Acceleration in writing

Yesterday my class and I were writing a descriptive writing on lava cakes that 2 students in our class made. It was delicious, but some people disagreed with me and didn’t even want it. I wish I could have it again. This is my writing highlighted in red

MMmm, that beautiful scent of frozen berries and many other delicious fruits. I looked at the the bag of fruits, the aroma covered my nose from any other disgusting smell. My smile as wide as the horizon and my eyes as big as doughnuts. The smell is a fruity smell that I can not resist. I can not get a look, but once I pick it up I get the perfect birds eye view. What a standout happy purple tint stains. I get it close to my mouth and a smell that whiff of juicy fragrance. It gets closer and closer until Hmmm that burst of flavour caused myself to clinch my teeth, but it was worth it. This will forever keep memories.

This is my writing that I did yesterday and this is my present one that I did yesterday highlighted in blue

That beautiful aroma spread across the room, everybody glared at the cake. Once I stroked my finger across the cake, it felt squishy and soft. I can hear the slimy rubber cup falling off the cake. I steadily chew the cake and wow, it was a chocolate sensation that made my taste buds explode like a chocolate grenade inside my mouth. The chocolate in the middle mounted on my tongue. The lava cake ran through my esophagus like a chocolate waterfall. This is currently my favourite cake.

I think I have improved don’t you think